BULLIED by Kevin Litwin
The vicious taunts from the kids at school have become too much, so I’m thinking about killing myself. When it will happen is my only question, but soon.
I’ve always heard that kids can be mean, and high school kids are the meanest. I’m now in my junior year and the juniors seem to be the cruelest. I know why they pick on me – I’m not good looking in any way. I’m a 17-year-old girl, 5’3, 230 pounds (I hate seeing that), I have acne and wear glasses. My hair is stringy, and I don’t wear makeup. Why bother?
Being heavy is what upsets me most, and comments about my weight hurt me more than anything. I wear loose-fitting shirts and jeans to hide my fat, but it doesn’t fool anyone. Not even me.
I can’t write anymore tonight. School again tomorrow. So sad.
Writing every night kind of helps me cope with what’s wrong in my life. I don’t know why – it just does. But whenever I write, I can’t help thinking about the mean kids at school. I never get a day of peace. None of those kids make fun of me to my face because the principal and teachers wouldn’t allow that, but I still hear the terrible comments. And the horrible giggling.
Like today. Two of the popular girls, Katie Henson and Teri Dunbar (I hate them), and their sheep-following pack – today at noon I was sitting by myself in the cafeteria, pretending to read a paperback, and at another table I heard Katie say, “look at the freak show over there.”
It’s painful thinking about it again. Too painful. I need to stop writing for now.
Where did I leave off last night? Oh. Katie Henson and Teri Dunbar. I hate them. Wish I could kill them both – I really do. Most of the mean kids at school hide their comments toward me, but Katie and Teri don’t even try. I always hear them whispering and then they fake giggle with their sheep followers. Katie and Teri don’t hide their evil.
I didn’t want to cry tonight, but I’m starting to. It’s going to be another night of me sobbing myself to sleep. I am so sad. So sad. And frightened.
Just finished studying for three hours, like I always do. I study several hours every night – even on weekends – because I don’t have friends or a social life. But even though I study for hours, I still get mostly C’s on my report card. I do get A’s in English, the only class I like. Maybe that’s why I enjoy writing each night. Plus writing helps me.
I wrote that I have no friends or social life, but there is one person I talk to. His name is Vincent. I’ll tell you about Vincent tomorrow. I don’t feel like writing anymore tonight. It’s time to think about my life and start crying again, so I can fall asleep. Another long day of school tomorrow. I’m already getting scared.
I see by yesterday’s entry that I promised tonight to describe my only friend, Vincent, so here goes. Vincent is also a junior and a social outcast like me. He is tall (I’m guessing 6’3) and thin and clumsy. He has a face full of acne and wears glasses, and I’m pretty sure he wears the same pair of jeans every day. Vincent doesn’t speak to anyone unless they speak to him first, because of shyness and years of bullying. I can relate.
Our paths cross at lunch in the cafeteria on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and Vincent and I always sit at the most far-away table we can find. But Katie, Teri and their sheep still sit nearby to quietly (yeah right, quietly) taunt us and then fake laugh.
When we both get home from school, Vincent and I text every afternoon to try and boost our spirits and vent about our horrible days. Then I go back to feeling very lonely in the seclusion of my prison-like bedroom. I can’t share my feelings with Mom because she’s a single mother (I’m the only child) and she works two jobs. Mom never has time to talk with me, so I struggle alone.
Every school day is filled with fear and despair, and each night is full of tears and dread – dreading the next day. That’s why, Dear Diary, I’ve been thinking about suicide. Taking that step would give me the relief I seek. What sweet relief there must be in death.
Got through another terrible week. No school tomorrow – thank goodness. But even though it’s Friday night and I can have a weekend of peace, my mind can’t help but drift back to school. Today the weather was sunny and warm, but my life is filled with darkness and gloom. I sit here tonight in my bedroom, as usual, in dismal solitude, in agony, with my spirits lower than they have ever been.
I was sitting today with Vincent in the cafeteria and heard Katie say, “look at the leper colony,” and a bunch of kids fake laughed. Vincent and I didn’t look at them, and there were other wicked insults that I won’t write because they’ll make me sob. My pillow is stained with enough tears.
Oh, more bad news. After lunch today, Vincent went to the principal to tell about the verbal bullying and terror (yes, it’s terrifying) that we face each day. Vincent just texted me and says the principal listened, but Vincent left with little hope because it seems like the principal won’t do much to fix or address the situation (no surprise). So Monday, we will again be at the mercy of the terrible juniors who mock and harass us. Why do they hate us so much?
I’m starting to get sick thinking about everything, so I’m stopping for tonight. Thank goodness tomorrow is Saturday. No school. No Katie Henson and Teri Dunbar. None of their sheep followers. No bullying. No crying. No dread. No hopeless desperation.
Mom is out of town with some man (I don’t know who) and my lonely Saturday finds me feeling bad. I feel bad physically but mostly mentally. The only good thing is that there was no school today, but just mentioning school gets me down, reminding me of the past days and weeks of nonstop suffering at the hands (or tongues) of brutal classmates.
Thinking about it right now is plunging me to deeper depths, so I will stop writing for today. I’m going to make myself some dinner, I guess to get fatter and uglier than I already am.
You know what? I’ve decided that I can’t deal anymore with the hurt, the ache, the grief, that I feel each night because I worry and tremble about the next horrible school day. Tomorrow is Monday and I don’t want to face another moment of bullying (I can’t), so I went to Mom’s medicine cabinet and got her bottle of prescription sleeping pills. I swallowed a handful, maybe 8 or 9, then I swallowed another 4 or 5. The time is 8:00 on this Sunday night and – oh, wait a second. I’m getting a text from Vincent. Hang on. Let me read it and then I’ll finish writing. Be right back.
I’m back. Great news. Wow, Vincent said his mother is going to start a homeschool classroom for us, since we keep getting bullied and can’t take it anymore. Vincent says his mother is tired of talking with the principal and teachers and school counselors who won’t do anything to help kids like us. Vincent’s mother used to be a teacher and has some free time during the day, so she offered to homeschool us – all the way until we get our high school diplomas!
Finally. Some good news in my nightmare life. I’ll answer Vincent and thank his mom after I finish this entry. First I need to lie down for a few minutes. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Bet I’ll have good dreams tonight for once. I’m so happy.
No more bullying. No more suffering. Just need to lie down. Sleepy. Tired but so happy. Sweet relief on the horizon. No more sadness. No more crying. No more anything. Just sweet relief.